Update

Sorry it's taken so long for me to post. My sister, Emily, was in town this weekend, so we were trying to soak up family time. Here is where we stand so far:

• My Mom will be having surgery next Thursday, April 5, to remove the tumor from her ovaries. Until they open her up they won't be able to figure out what is wrong, so we're just waiting, waiting, waiting. Her oncologist believes it to be cancer--either ovarian or cancer of the lining of her abdominal cavity (can't remember the technical term). However, the nurse practitioner said that there is still hope for it to be benign. Depending on what the tumor is touching (ex--part of her colon), they might have to remove a lot. They will also be scraping the lining of her abdominal cavity hopefully to rid it of any cancer cells.
• Her stomach has started to refill with fluid again, and she is in a lot of pain & discomfort again. We have been trying to reach her doctor, hoping to get in tomorrow to drain it again. Please be praying for this...it's the most immediate need. Pray for an appointment to come available & for her to start feeling better....maybe even for the surgery to be moved up.
• I have decided to stay here until April 17. I wanted to alleviate some of the stress my Dad is feeling having to be back & forth to Atlanta for his job, so I have decided to stay until a few weeks after her surgery. It is hard to be away from Matt, but he is so supportive of this & we both know that this is where I need to be for now. My parents have graciously bought him a ticket for the 5th-7th so he can come be with us for awhile. We miss him SO much & can't wait to see him.
• We have been overwhelmed by all of your prayers, calls, cards, texts & support. Thank you so much for being such sweet friends. This has been beyond difficult for everyone & it is such a comfort knowing that we stand on your prayers.
• I'll try to update more today/tomorrow as we try to get in to the hospital.
• PLEASE KEEP PRAYING!! thanks :)

The Next Day

Hey friends. I promised to post updates on here, so I guess I'd better start writing. Do you ever feel like you just need to write? Your thoughts are buzzing around in your head so fast that you can hardly see straight? Writing calms me down & helps me organize my thoughts. So if this seems like rambling to you, I'm sorry....just need to get my thoughts out of my head.
Yesterday was probably the worst day I've lived through in my 27 years so far. The news is not good. The doctor is almost positive that it is cancer--just a question of what kind & where it is, how small it is, etc. I was in the shower when my Dad called, but I jumped out, knowing that it was probably him. So I stood there in a towel, dripping wet, hearing that my world had just flipped upside down. I didn't really know what to do when I hung up except to finish my shower. I think God knew that I needed to be in the middle of something when I heard those words so that I would take the first step in moving forward...in this case, washing my hair. About 45 minutes later as I was feeding Ava lunch, my best friend Erin called & said that she had heard the news & was wondering if she wanted her & Aprile to come over to sit with me & to pray for me. I said no. The pain & sadness was too raw to be around people. I am extremely private with my emotions. I am the queen of putting on "happy masks" when everything is actually falling apart. I hate for people to see me cry & I hate to open up to people when all I want to do is crawl into a hole for at least 2 days. So I said no. And I continued on with my Mommy duties. My parents got home from the hospital & as soon as they got in the door we all cried. And cried. And then we laughed at how silly we probably looked crying.
About 3 hours later there was a knock at the door. It was Aprile & Erin & a bouquet of tulips. We stood on the porch, b/c I didn't want to bring them in to the sadness that lay within the doors. I cried. They cried & then they prayed for me. They prayed that I would be honest with God. They prayed that I would realize that a really great quiet time wouldn't solve things this time. They prayed that I would have peace knowing that it was ok for me to be angry at God. They said, we know you said not to come, but we had to. We are your friends & we are here....whether you want us to be or not. They know me so well. I did want them there--I just didn't realize it. They said that they were claiming Psalm 23 for me & my family & to be honest, that's not the Scripture that I wanted. Because that Scripture talks about the valley of the shadow of death. I don't want to think about that valley. My mind & heart are not ready to go there yet. I was almost hurt when they told me that those were the verses they were praying. Until today that is.
You see this morning, was the day after. Today is the day after we received the bad news. Today we are survivors. Today we are still here & today the sun still came up. I woke up next to Ava in the bed with me b/c she decided to wake up at 6am & I decided that we would not be waking up at 6am. So there she was--looking as sweet as an angel. We got up & walked out of the room to find my parents on the patio, reading the paper. We joined them & sat for awhile. Things felt eerily normal. We chatted about the flowers & the pool that had just been cleaned. We listened as the birds sang. We laughed at Ava as she practiced her new skill--waving--at least 206 times. We watched the dog try to chase a squirrel that was outside of the screen. We ate my Dad's fabulous eggs, sausage & homemade hashbrowns (good-bye weightloss!). We just sat & talked. Then Emily called a little later & we talked about cat food. It was all strange & perfect all at the same time. Are we sad? Yes. Are our emotions raw? Extremely. Are we close to tears at any moment? Yes. Are we confused at God's plans & even a little angry? I know I am. And yet, we had this strange peace & normalcy that was beautiful & sweet.
And that's when it hit me. The focus doesn't have to be on the valley of the shadow of death. It can be on our Shepherd leading us beside streams of quiet waters--for His Names sake. We need to walk beside quiet streams today. There is turmoil & war in our minds. We need stillness. We need nearness to our God. I never really understood that part about "for His Name's sake". But I get it now. It's talking about worship. When we allow our Shepherd to lead us into rest we are worshiping God. His Name receives glory when there is stillness amongst our pain and our anguish. And that makes so much sense to me now. I am not ok. Not yet at least, may never be actually. But I have a quiet peace. I may not be ready for what lies ahead, but I don't have to be. My God is leading me down paths of righteousness towards something good. I have to believe that. There is good at the end of this path & I hope to be much nearer to my Shepherd when I get there.

On My Way to Florida--Please Be Praying

Hey friends. Most of you have heard by now through my emails, but I got several emails back, so I thought I would post on here too to ask for your prayers. My Mom got the results of her cat scan back on Thursday & they found fluid in her stomach & "something" (don't know what yet) in her reproductive organs or abdominal cavity. She has been in a lot of pain & discomfort & on Friday was having a hard time breathing. So she spent the day at the cancer hospital's emergency clinic. They sent her home b/c all the oncologists had already gone home for the weekend. So, she's been on the phone all morning trying to get an appointment set up & finally got one for Wednesday. My sister Emily & I are flying down there to be with her & to love on her & my Dad as we wait for word about what's wrong. We're hoping this is all resulting from an infection or something from her previous surgery & not more cancer. Please be praying for my family & the doctors during this time. I'll keep you updated as we learn things. Thanks for praying!

Ava & her Grammy

Our Month in Bullet Points

Our computers are in the process of dying, so I've had the craziest time trying to post on here & ending up just giving up. Thankfully our laptop decided to be nice to me today so I'm scrambling trying to post a bunch of stuff. Here are the random details of our last month. Enjoy :)

• Ava turned 1!! See the 2 posts below.


• We have all been sick. Ava & I more than once. There is nothing worse than having a sick kiddo. Except maybe also having a sick husband. Oh yeah, and being sick yourself. NOT FUN!


• We bought Ava a new forward-facing car seat & she LOVES it!! She loves kicking her legs & staring out at the world around her. I love it b/c I can feed her cheerios w/o throwing my shoulders out of socket :)


• As of today our adoption is moving forward!!!! Yeah!! Matt went to NC this weekend to speak & we got just enough money from that to make our initial payment & pay our governement USCIS (I think that's what it's called) fee & fingerprinting fees. So we'll send that money off tomorrow along with our Agreement w/ AWAA & once they receive that we can set up the beginning meeting with a social worker for our homestudy. I can't tell you how happy I am to be moving ahead.


• We have been working on building a working budget for our finances using materials from Crown Financial Ministries. It has been hard. But good.


• We are brainstorming ways to raise money for our adoption. That is really the only thing keeping us back at this point. Please join us in praying that God provides every penny that we need. I have been a little stessed about this whole issue as of late. It has taken us a whole month just to come up with the initial payment & we still have so much to raise. The amount we need seems so HUGE but I have to (DAILY!!) remind myself that my God is HUGER!! ps--do you like my word of the day??


• I have had 2 completely lazy days where I stayed in my pjs, played with Ava & watch tv all day. Oh yeah, & I ate cool whip out of the container. It felt wonderful & horrible all at the same time.


• Matt shared his testimony with the students to kick off a new series that they are doing on Sunday mornings called Story. It was stinkin' awesome :)


• We took a mini trip to New Braunfels with the other youth staff & their families so that the boys could calendar the next year & begin planning camp. My friend Glenna & I intended to scrapbook (but didn't), shopped at the outlet malls in San Marcos (which was fantabulous!!), took naps & ate lots of kolaches & donuts. We also stayed in our pjs all day which was fun & I guess takes my total up to 4 days in jammies this month.


• Ava went for her 1 year checkup. She weighed 19lbs 13oz & was 30inches long. She's in the 75% for height & the 40% for weight. So basically she has the body of a supermodel.


• My friend Jamie sent me an actual letter in the mail & it made me feel so special & loved. It made me want to be better at sending people real-life letters more often. So I have started by, oh wait.....I haven't sent any yet. But I'm working on it!
• I have lost 20 pounds. 10-12 more to go. Yeah!!


• I turned 27, Ava turned one, Matt turned 27. Happy Birthday to us!


• I have been greatly convicted & encouraged by the lives of John & Betty Stam who were missionaries to China in the 30's. I read about them in the Voice Of The Martyrs monthly newsletter. They were martyred for their faith & left behind a 3-month-old daughter when they were killed. When Betty was just 18 she wrote these words. Just a few years later she was murdered for her faith in God.

Lord, I give up all of my own plans and purposes, all my own desires and hopes, and accept Thy will for my life. I give myself, my life, my all utterly to Thee to be Thine forever. Fill me and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit. Use me as Thou wilt, send me where Thou wilt. And work out Thy whole will in my life, AT ANY COST, now and forever.

• I finished my Bible study on For Women Only & am starting a new one on the book of Philipians next Tuesday morning.


• Ava no longer says "kitty" when she sees Oliver. She's switched to the more grown up version of "cat". It is pretty funny. Matt thinks she's saying "gat" and that it's short for
  "gato" which is cat in spanish. So of course he just assumes that she's a genius.


• I think that's it. Love you all & enjoy your day!!


• Oh wait--I wanted to show you a couple of pictures that I took that are OH SO CUTE :) Enjoy!!

Ava's Birthday Videos



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Happy (LATE!!) Birthday Ava!!

Hey friends :) Our computers are all on their last leg & one of them crashed a couple of days ago. I've been trying to get online to post pictures of Ava for 3 weeks now!! So sorry that this is so late, but better late than never I guess! We had such a sweet time with Ava on her b-day (Feb. 26) with a couple of friends. We decided not to have a huge party b/c we wanted to save money to get family pictures done by our good friend Glenna and b/c the last thing that Ava needs is MORE TOYS!! So we decided to just have a quiet dinner & I made her a cake to dig into. It was fun.
We can hardly believe that Ava is already one! Her life has brought us complete joy. She keeps us laughing & she keeps us on our knees! We love you baby (or I guess, big girl!!) Ava Marie :)



Waiting for cake


digging in--she didn't get much messier than this--she's so girly!!


gettin some Daddy love!


our little happy family!