God's Ways vs. Our Ways
Hey friends. I was doing my bible study this morning for my ladies group that I'm in. The study is not so great (Power of a Praying Woman) but it has been so good for me to be back in God's Word on a more consistent basis. I have been reminded how desperately I need accountability in my life. Ever since having Ava I feel like the worst Christ-follower in the world. Why is it so hard for me to have a quiet time now? I have been so humbled through this season of my life. I feel like I am so apart. Does that make sense? I don't even know if that's the word I'm looking for, but I feel like I'm never put together. So whatever the opposite of that is, that's what I am. My house is never clean. My laundry is never done. My hair has been up in a ponytail for about 5 weeks now. My car is a mess. My communication with Matt has not been at it's highest point. My walk with God is so-so. I am half-way through 3 books. My jeans are too tight. Have you ever been there? I just feel like everything in my life is disjointed--not where it should be. Not under strict discipline & control. I guess I'm just feeling very out of control since I've become a mom. Everyone tells you (to the point that you're utterly annoyed!!) that "everything is going to change when you have kids". Oh my gosh--I heard that so much it made me want to vomit every time I heard it. But now I want to go back to those people and say (well, scream really) "why didn't you tell me that 'everything' really meant 'EVERYTHING!!" I just don't really like who I've become since I've been a mom. I think I'm a pretty good mom--I just feel like everything else has fallen by the wayside & I really hate that. I feel like now, I need to pick up all the pieces of my new life & start over. I need a makeover in every sense of the word. On every area of my life. I need to overhaul every other area besides mommyhood. QUestion to you other mommies out there--have you been at this point? And if you have....how long did it take you to recover? I think I just need to come to grips with my new reality & MOVE ON!
I read in my bible this morning a verse that I've read 10,000 times--"My ways are not your ways, neither are My thoughts your thoughts" (excuse the paraphrase--my bible's upstairs!). I was reminded yet again that God does things differently than we do. His plans for me are not my plans for me. His ways are not my ways. His thoughts are not my thoughts. They are BIGGER. And I have to tell you, I felt so much peace in that today. I was reminded that God is big. Yeah, I know I learned that when I was 4, but I needed to learn it again. God is big. I am small. I have major issues. I am messed up. But God is in control. My life--all of it's chaos & disorganization--is in His hands. I am under His control. His Spirit dwells within me & because of that all things are possible. I am feeling very small & very weak lately. But that is ok b/c when I'm weak God can be strong for me. So in the meantime, please pray for me--I am undone. I need to be fixed (roll coldplay's Fix You in the background :) And thanks for letting me vent. And thanks for any tips you other mommies may have. Or non-mommies :) Basically thanks for being my friends. God has put each of you in my life & you keep me together. I love you all--I really do. Thank you for your ears that listen & your hearts that encourage me. I am off to mop the floors......
5 comments:
Oh Rachel! I can so totally identify, and I so totally love you! You are a great friend (even though we've really only hung out a few times), and I want you to know that you are NOT alone!! I don't have it together either : ) Yay! But like I said, creamy jalapeno really does make it better. So, I'm going to kidnap you next week and we are going to go to Chuys. You don't have a choice, k? In the meantime, know that I'm praying for you to be able to deal...and to accept it all for what it is. We are perfectionists that will never be perfect! AGH!!! What a conundrum! : )
Well I have been a mom for almost three years now and I still haven't gotten things back to normal! Wait, what is normal? I forgot what that means. Or maybe we need to just accept this as our new normal!
I think Diet Coke can solve just about anything and I haven't had one since Friday night (I'm cutting back) ... so my normal is completely gone.
I too feel as though my walk with Christ has completely changed since having kids. What I consider "time with God" has had an overhaul. Sometimes it is better and sometimes it is worse.
We will all keep going along and realize that our house isn't important, our cars aren't important but what is important is our GOD, our kids and our family.
Love you girl.
:)jamie
rach, thank you so much for your sweet encouragement... it means the world to me! it makes things so much easier, just knowing there are people praying!
i know the move hasn't been easy and you've had to make some major adjustments in the past year... i can imagine that it's all a bit overwhelming. but i am excited that god is at work and using your family to do some amazing work. i can't wait to see how it all unfolds and how he blesses your faithfulness!
i love you dearly, my sweet friend-i hope you're having a good week!
um have you been keeping up with my blog for the last year? because that should give you an idea of how things go for me... lol TOTAL CHAOS!
atticus is definitely an easier baby, so he's made the transition to 2 pretty easy, but em keeps me on my toes. having a toddler is easier and harder than having a baby. she's more independent, which is NICE but because of that independence... well.. she finds new ways to get into trouble.
i'm still trying to find balance in my life. i agree- i don't think those without kids (me included- 2 years ago) can ever really grasp how much "everything" in "everything changes" really means. it's a good day when all of my hygeine gets taken care of! lol
my time with God is definitely different.. pretty much non-existent in the form of a "nice quiet time" because quiet doesn't exist in our home until fairly late... i have to talk to Him througout the day and soak in things when i can. it's also a huge part of my sin nature that when i do get time to myself, i selfishly want to spend it doing what i want to do and not in His word. if i only realized how much better it would make my other times be...
anyways, i could write tons on this, but just wanted to say that YES i am there with you.
one practical thing that i've found that works WONDERS for me is the SHE (sidetracked home executive) system. see if your library has the book, or if you can get it cheap online. it's helped how my house runs a lot. :)
I found your blog somehow...through a blog through another blog through another blog, or something like that. But I really believe that it was God that led me here. I feel like we have so much in common- my husband is a youth pastor, I love Gilmore Girls, and I have two boys- Elijah (17 months, adopted from Guatemala) and Carter (13 months- adopted from US).
But this post really spoke to me. It describes exactly where I am at. I feel so overwhelmed at times (ok, most of the time)- my house is usually messy, my hair is always in a ponytail, and my relationship with God seems so dry sometimes (ok, a lot lately). After reading this post and the comments left, I felt led to open my bible and opened it up, and I found another comforting passage- Isaiah 49- "I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people to restore the land and to reassign its desolate inheritances, to say to the captives, 'come out' and to those in the darkness 'be free!'".
I don't really know why I'm writing all of this to someone I've never met before- but I guess I wanted to thank you for your words. It's nice to know that someone else is going through the same things that you are- even if they are across the country!
I do plan on buying two blankets, maybe next month. God totally provided for both adoptions through generous people. We never had to ask for money- people just sent it to us. It reaffirmed to us that it was really God's plan for these boys to be a part of our family.
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