The Setliffe Family

The Next Day

Hey friends. I promised to post updates on here, so I guess I'd better start writing. Do you ever feel like you just need to write? Your thoughts are buzzing around in your head so fast that you can hardly see straight? Writing calms me down & helps me organize my thoughts. So if this seems like rambling to you, I'm sorry....just need to get my thoughts out of my head.
Yesterday was probably the worst day I've lived through in my 27 years so far. The news is not good. The doctor is almost positive that it is cancer--just a question of what kind & where it is, how small it is, etc. I was in the shower when my Dad called, but I jumped out, knowing that it was probably him. So I stood there in a towel, dripping wet, hearing that my world had just flipped upside down. I didn't really know what to do when I hung up except to finish my shower. I think God knew that I needed to be in the middle of something when I heard those words so that I would take the first step in moving forward...in this case, washing my hair. About 45 minutes later as I was feeding Ava lunch, my best friend Erin called & said that she had heard the news & was wondering if she wanted her & Aprile to come over to sit with me & to pray for me. I said no. The pain & sadness was too raw to be around people. I am extremely private with my emotions. I am the queen of putting on "happy masks" when everything is actually falling apart. I hate for people to see me cry & I hate to open up to people when all I want to do is crawl into a hole for at least 2 days. So I said no. And I continued on with my Mommy duties. My parents got home from the hospital & as soon as they got in the door we all cried. And cried. And then we laughed at how silly we probably looked crying.
About 3 hours later there was a knock at the door. It was Aprile & Erin & a bouquet of tulips. We stood on the porch, b/c I didn't want to bring them in to the sadness that lay within the doors. I cried. They cried & then they prayed for me. They prayed that I would be honest with God. They prayed that I would realize that a really great quiet time wouldn't solve things this time. They prayed that I would have peace knowing that it was ok for me to be angry at God. They said, we know you said not to come, but we had to. We are your friends & we are here....whether you want us to be or not. They know me so well. I did want them there--I just didn't realize it. They said that they were claiming Psalm 23 for me & my family & to be honest, that's not the Scripture that I wanted. Because that Scripture talks about the valley of the shadow of death. I don't want to think about that valley. My mind & heart are not ready to go there yet. I was almost hurt when they told me that those were the verses they were praying. Until today that is.
You see this morning, was the day after. Today is the day after we received the bad news. Today we are survivors. Today we are still here & today the sun still came up. I woke up next to Ava in the bed with me b/c she decided to wake up at 6am & I decided that we would not be waking up at 6am. So there she was--looking as sweet as an angel. We got up & walked out of the room to find my parents on the patio, reading the paper. We joined them & sat for awhile. Things felt eerily normal. We chatted about the flowers & the pool that had just been cleaned. We listened as the birds sang. We laughed at Ava as she practiced her new skill--waving--at least 206 times. We watched the dog try to chase a squirrel that was outside of the screen. We ate my Dad's fabulous eggs, sausage & homemade hashbrowns (good-bye weightloss!). We just sat & talked. Then Emily called a little later & we talked about cat food. It was all strange & perfect all at the same time. Are we sad? Yes. Are our emotions raw? Extremely. Are we close to tears at any moment? Yes. Are we confused at God's plans & even a little angry? I know I am. And yet, we had this strange peace & normalcy that was beautiful & sweet.
And that's when it hit me. The focus doesn't have to be on the valley of the shadow of death. It can be on our Shepherd leading us beside streams of quiet waters--for His Names sake. We need to walk beside quiet streams today. There is turmoil & war in our minds. We need stillness. We need nearness to our God. I never really understood that part about "for His Name's sake". But I get it now. It's talking about worship. When we allow our Shepherd to lead us into rest we are worshiping God. His Name receives glory when there is stillness amongst our pain and our anguish. And that makes so much sense to me now. I am not ok. Not yet at least, may never be actually. But I have a quiet peace. I may not be ready for what lies ahead, but I don't have to be. My God is leading me down paths of righteousness towards something good. I have to believe that. There is good at the end of this path & I hope to be much nearer to my Shepherd when I get there.